The way my mind works…

I’ve just been given a new prescription. Setraline Hydrochloride, often known by its trade name Zoloft. Having previously been prescribed a short (2 1/2 month) course of Fluoxetine (Prozac), and not getting a great deal of benefit from it, I am uncertain how I feel about a new drug. I have always been resistant to the idea of taking antidepressants, believing that I should be able to control my emotions without the aid of pharmaceuticals, that those who couldn’t were clearly deficient in some way, that I would become addicted to them.

Sweets for my sweet...

First of all, I would like to apologise to everyone who has ever taken antidepressants for my prejudicial attitude. I may never have met you but I have judged you, and for that I apologise unreservedly (however self-serving that apology may seem).

Right. Now that is out of the way, I would like to try and explain why I have made the decision to take the chemical option. It really is quite simple: Lauren, my fiancee. When I was single, I didn’t really accept that my depression was that much of an issue. Sure, I got ‘down’ occasionally, but so what? Blame it on the stress of work, or that bastard taxi drver that cut you up on the way home, or too much/not enough alcohol/nicotine/[insert drug of choice here].

But that has all changed now that I am with Lauren.She does not deserve to live with the kind of arsehole I can be when the depression descends. My moods can swing violently and I can become very angry and bitter. I would like to make it absolutely clear that I have never threatened her or physically harmed her in any way and I never would – but psychological damage is just as bad, and I am certainly guilty of that. This guilt builds up and makes me more depressed.

This vicious circle has to be broken and I am willing to do anything to make sure it is.

I am embarking on counselling in the next few weeks to learn how to live with and minimise these episodes. I want Lauren to be happy, and she won’t be if I am not.

I hope I can get there.

I have to.

Advertisements